Wednesday, January 11, 2017

My 13 Least Favorite Beauty Products of 2016

Welcome to the first, and saltier, of my two 2016 roundup posts! A few notes before we begin:
  • There are 13 products on this list simply because I was disappointed by 13 products last year (not a large number, considering how many I tried). 
  • As always, the products are listed in chronological order of purchase, not from best to worst or vice versa. I've linked to my original reviews where available. 
  • I returned several of these products, sometimes too quickly to take photos. In those cases, I've used the brands' product shots. I also lost a number of my photos while clearing my phone's memory last year.
  • Not all of these products are total fails. I kept and still use a few of them, since I don't subscribe to the KonMari doctrine of getting rid of anything that I don't absolutely love. Especially in the case of color cosmetics, if a product fulfills a specific purpose but isn't perfect, I'll often keep using it instead of buying yet another product in the same category. The more "niche" that specific purpose is (e.g. purple blush, not red lipstick), the more likely I am to try to work with it.
  • Can I draw any lessons from this lineup? You'd think "no more impulse purchases" might be one lesson, but it's actually not. Some of my favorite makeup of all time has been bought on impulse, and as you'll soon discover, some of my least favorite purchases of 2016 were planned carefully. "Buy less drugstore makeup" strikes me as a good resolution for 2017, thoughand of course, my larger goal is to reduce my consumption overall.

1. Smith & Cult Nailed Lacquer [no, seriously] in The Bee Side

Source

If you're going to charge $18 for nail polishes and fire up the hype machine to create an aura of luxury and exclusivity around them, the least you can do is ensure that they take less than an hour to dry and aren't patchy after three coats. Pastels are hard for any brand to get right in any product category (nail polish, lipstick, eyeshadow, you name it), so I'd ordinarily be more forgiving, but my $8 Formula X nail polish in Lively is far better quality at less than half the price.

Look, I love a well-considered brand aesthetic. But there's something about Smith & Cult that just rubs me the wrong way. The nail polish bottles are twice as wide as an Essie or Zoya, as if Smith & Cult is asserting that its polishes are twice as good as any other and therefore deserve twice as much space on your shelf. The website is so fancy that it stalls my browser, and the giant gifs splashed all over the page make it almost impossible to focus on the words. Which might be a good thing, because the product blurbs sound like they were excerpted from a trust-fund kid's "satirical" short story in her undergrad literary magazine: "It's all about everyone spending the entire time strongly insinuating that they are elevated and evolved because they eat organic uncultured Echinacea balls of green mulchy purity." The whole brand feels like a lazy rich-person vanity project aimed at other rich people. I mean, one of the polishes is literally named "Feed the Rich." Oh, and the "add to cart" label reads "add to swag," as if you needed another reason to bypass this brand.

2. ColourPop Super Shock Cheek in Rain 


I don't hate this blush, but its texture has always annoyed me. I expected a ColourPop blush to have the same moussey, spongy texture as the brand's eyeshadows and highlighters. Instead, Rain feels like one of those softer products left open for a few days. I don't know if I got a dried-out product or if this is just what ColourPop's blushes are like, but it's only become more difficult over the past year to extract color from the pan. I was so excited to find an affordable purple blush, too!

3. Glossier Moisturizing Moon Mask


It wouldn't be an Auxiliary Beauty worst-of list without a mention of Glossier. My Instagram pal Amanda was kind enough to send me some Glossier mask pods from the holiday 2015 release, and here I am about to repay her generosity by shitting all over the Moon Mask. I will admit that the other mask in the set, the Mega Greens Galaxy Pack, is one of the most effective masks I've ever tried. The Moon Mask, though...it's not terrible, exactly, but I don't get the point. It's too thick to work as a night moisturizer (even for skin as dry as mine), yet too emollient to work as a normal wash-off mask. It left my skin feeling greasy but not unusually hydrated. I didn't break out or get hives or anything, but meh.

4. Bite Beauty Amuse Bouche Lipstick in Lavender Jam


It pains me to put Lavender Jam on this list, because I adore the color, an almost neon blue-lavender reminiscent of the hydrangeas that bloom all over town in June. But my relationship with Bite Beauty over the years can be summed up by Samuel Johnson's description of a friend's second marriage: "the triumph of hope over experience." I ordered Lavender Jam sight unseen, knowing that no Bite formula had ever worked for me but hoping that the new Amuse Bouche lipsticks would be less slippery than their Luminous Creme predecessors. Alas, it was not to be. Lavender Jam slides off my lips within an hour, a sin that I might forgive in a less wacky shade. As it is, I've used almost half the tube because I have to reapply it constantly. I've given up on Bite for the foreseeable future, despite feeling just a bit tempted by their new Edgy Neutrals collection, a quartet of yellowy browns guaranteed to make me look like hell.

5. Topshop Matte Lip Bullet in Wink
 
Source

Almost every time I break my "no ordering before swatching" rule, I come to regret it. After my disappointment with Marc Jacobs So Sofia, I decided to order Topshop's coral Matte Lip Bullet, which was so new that I couldn't find any swatches online. The product shot above is very inaccurate: Wink turned out to be a faded beigey coral, far less pigmented than the other Matte Lip Bullets I'd tried, with weird gold sparkles throughout. Not shimmer or frost, but discrete particles of gold glitter. And I couldn't even return it. I threw it away after wearing it twice and felt so wasteful. Never again. 

6. The Face Shop Jeju Volcanic Lava Peel Off Clay Nose Mask 

Source

It struck me just now that the quality of a beauty product might be inversely proportional to the length of its name. Have I hit upon a foolproof method for avoiding bad makeup and skincare? Let me know. And don't buy this mask. It's supposed to dry on your nose and cleanse your pores, but it did neither of those things. It had the color and texture of chewed bubble gum, and it was just as ineffective as a skincare product.

7. Bioré Pore Strips 

Source

I should have known better than to buy these. I should have known so much better. But about midway through the year, I reached the point where all I could see when I looked in the mirror were the pores on my nose. So after trying a couple of gentler remedies, I went for the hardcore option, or what I thought would be hardcore. As it turned out, the pore strips were fiendishly difficult to use, and all they did was remove the top layer of skin from my nose. I feel so dumb. 

8. NYX Matte Lipstick in Up the Bass


You've likely had the dispiriting experience of buying a product you've wanted for the better part of a year, eagerly trying it on at home, and discovering within a few seconds that it sucks. It's unpleasant to reflect that this is what you spent so much willpower on—and this, too, is what broke that willpower and opened your wallet. I wanted so badly to love Up the Bass, despite (or because of) its lolariously vulgar name. The deep gray-purple was the first shade that caught my eye when NYX expanded its matte offerings at the beginning of 2016, and because I'd had such good luck with brick-red Alabama, I assumed that Up the Bass would have a similarly opaque, comfortable, long-lasting formula. Instead, it was patchy, slippery, and given to fading within an hour of application. I'm not always glad I live in America, but it certainly is nice to be able to return shitty makeup. In December, I took Up the Bass back to Ulta and used my store credit toward a far superior product: Urban Decay Vintage Vice Lipstick in Roach, a metallic bronze.

In 2017, I'm going to be a lot more wary of drugstore makeup, and of NYX in particular. There's a certain thrill in buying a weird cheap product that might disappoint or might be a hidden gem, but let's be honest, it's usually the former. The Russian-roulette mentality leads to a lot of wasted time and money, and I'd rather not buy a product in the first place than run the risk of having to return it. Reduce consumer waste 2k17, people.

9. Lipstick Queen Black Lace Rabbit


You had one job, Lipstick Queen: making good lipstick. Instead, you took the Smith & Cult route, crafting elaborate stories around your expensive products to obscure their mediocrity. Black Lace Rabbit had such promise, but I couldn't make it work. It was patchy on its own, giving me less of a "smoky lip" than a "post-burger lip." Layered over other lipsticks, it reduced their longevity dramatically. Again: so glad I live in the land of easy makeup returns, even if the tradeoff is President Trump, unaffordable healthcare, and no gun control to speak of...oh, wait.

10. Essie Playing Koi


I read several enthusiastic reviews of Playing Koi before buying it. I wonder how the reviewers reached that conclusion: anyone who tried the bottle I got would notice that it's still patchy after three coats. It's also darker and browner on the nails than I expected. And I spilled half the bottle all over my desk one night, which is really my fault, but I'm going to blame Essie anyway. Clearly this polish is cursed. If you're going to buy a shade from Essie's fall 2016 collection, go for Udon Know Me, a dusty light aqua that lasts several days without chipping on my nails.

11. Floss Gloss Donatella


It's rare that I give up on a brand entirely, but I've more or less given up on Floss Gloss. I've now tried four of their polishes—BritBrit2000, Dimepiece, Dinge, and Donatella—and haven't been terribly impressed with any of them. The worst is Donatella, which is a beautiful gold-shimmered pumpkin color for the 12 hours it lasts on my nails before it begins chipping. Made in Brooklyn, Floss Gloss has an exuberant, emoji-filled social-media presence ("👯 💕🏁MADE 4 THE BAD GRLS🏆💵") and a temptingly eclectic color selection, but its formulas just suck and there's no getting around that.

12. ColourPop Creme Gel Liner in Fast Lane 


ColourPop is the Russian-roulette experience of drugstore beauty shopping taken to the nth degree. Because ColourPop's products are nonrefundable unless they arrive damaged (and even then it's iffy), yet also impossible to try before buying, you know you're taking a risk every time you place an order. And that's a problem, but it's also part of the appeal. Yes, your new eyeliner might be a total waste of $6, but what if it proves to be the best $6 you ever spent? This kind of thinking is addictive in the same way that gambling is addictive, and like gambling it does nothing but drain your bank account. Of the ColourPop products I've tried over the past two years, I've loved maybe a third, felt indifferent to a third, and actively disliked a third. Those aren't great odds, and I'm going to try very hard to resist the siren song of ColourPop in 2017.

I started wearing eyeliner regularly last summer, and after switching between black and brown pencils for a couple of months, I decided to expand my color horizons. ColourPop's eyeliners had received a decent amount of praise, so I ordered Fast Lane, a dark teal. I realized later that much of the praise had come from people who had used the eyeliners on their waterline, which I never do (I wear contact lenses and the thought of placing pigment practically on my eyeball squicks me out). Instead, I tried Fast Lane on my upper lashlines, which wasn't a success. It looked decent at first, but after two hours the color had faded and transferred to my undereye area. Not a good look for a teal eyeliner.

13. NYX Suede Matte Lip Liner in Brooklyn Thorn 


NYX has released a zillion new lip products in the past year, and this relentless focus on NEW NEW NEW ALL THE TIME has inevitably produced some duds. The lip liners in NYX's original formula are fabulous—creamy, opaque, and long-lasting—and I don't understand why NYX didn't add trendier colors to that range instead of releasing a totally new, and vastly inferior, formula. To be fair, Brooklyn Thorn is the only shade I've tried in the Suede Matte formula, but it's bad enough that I have no desire to buy any more. It's patchy, it drags so hard against my lips, and it doesn't even sharpen smoothlythe exposed wood is all rough and spiky.  

Next up, my favorites of 2016! Did any beauty products disappoint you last year?

18 comments:

  1. This is very helpful, because I had wanted both Up the Bass (I can't help but pronounce it like the fish) and Fast Lane--you'd already talked me out of UTB, but now I can forget about both of them.

    And is that sentence really something written on the Smith & Cult site???? It sounds like it was composed by a bot that had compiled it on the basis of tweets by the main characters on Schitt's Creek (if you haven't seen that show, you should!).

    This was very entertaining. I should do my own post like this, because complaining about things is much more fun than gushing over them, imo.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sentence is 100% from the website, and there are many more like it. I strongly suggest you spend a few minutes reading through the product descriptions, if the website doesn't crash your browser. "Am fully living a cliché." "Lots of voices whispering, I need a dose of quiet, with a shot of riot." I'll check out that show!

      I'd love to read your worst-of-2016 post. Mine was certainly fun to write.

      Delete
  2. Oooooh, yes, disappointing products posts and videos! I love these just as much as favorites, if not more--it's good to hear something less than "I AM UBSESSED!!!"

    "It's all about everyone spending the entire time strongly insinuating that they are elevated and evolved because they eat organic uncultured Echinacea balls of green mulchy purity." -- This almost made me wet myself.

    If I remember correctly, the Moon Mask is just a pile of silicone, shea butter, and everything that hates my face. I'm not surprised you weren't impressed; most people don't seem to be. They really should re-tool and re-launch their masks. And I know we love to shit all over brands, including Glossier, because fun, but I have to admit it: Boy Brow looks so perfect on you, and I am a wuss for Haloscope.

    I'm sad to hear that the new NYX lip liners suck. The original range--you know, the cheap-as-fuck $3.50 or whatever ones--are still my personal favorites. The only formula I like as much is the Kevyn Aucoin Flesh Tone line, but obviously, they don't have the same range and are six times more expensive.

    Also, I still love So Sofia on you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not a GOMI regular anymore, but I do read the ITG/Glossier thread in the forums, and someone claiming to be a cosmetic chemist has been breaking down Glossier's formulations and explaining why they're far from revolutionary. I'd like to see them relaunch the masks, too; I almost ordered a full tub of the Mega Greens Galaxy Pack, but those random chunks of citrus peel really put me off. And Boy Brow is definitely going to appear on my favorites list! I wear it every single day.

      Haha, So Sofia wasn't terrible! I just didn't feel as crazy about it as I thought I should feel about a $30 lipstick.

      Delete
  3. I'm sure things disappointed me last year but I didn't keep very good track of them, except the ABH lip gloss I tried before Christmas which was horrible. I plan to keep better track of them this year so I can write a snarky post or two.

    Lining the waterline is not great for your eyes, which was always good enough of a reason for me, but also getting it all over my contact lenses would be a nightmare. Plus my optometrist told me not to, so there's that too.

    I can't decide if I want to go rage read the Smith & Cult site. Decisions, decisions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm firmly in favor of more snarky posts on beauty blogs! Not just for the lulz, but also because I think there's an unhealthy reluctance among bloggers and YouTubers to criticize brands, lest they lose their goodwill and freebies. When beauty gurus list their least favorite products of the month, they'll often preface their criticism with "now, you guys know I LOVE this brand, I LOVE x, y, and z product, but this ONE THING didn't really work for me." It's as if people have forgotten that brands are trying to sell us stuff. As a small beauty blogger who has never received free products, I really enjoy being able to criticize brands without fear of repercussions. (That's why I love Kimberly Clark's anti-haul series, too.) All this is to say that I'd love to read snarky posts from you. :D

      My mom has been lining her waterlines with black eyeliner since, no joke, the mid-'60s. I don't think she even removes it fully before going to sleep. Somehow she hasn't gone blind, and in fact has much better vision than I do, but ahhhh akjhflkahl no thanks.

      Delete
  4. It's harder for me to think of disappointing product experiences because I so rarely buy entirely new things, just new shades from known-to-me ranges (which is why I have something like 12 Bite lipsticks and 6 Clinique blushes), but I have to agree with you about the Amuse Bouches, though for totally different reasons. Both of mine (Whiskey and Nori) are shockingly, PAINFULLY drying. They actively shrivel into my lip lines and feel just awful. I still have them because I am a massive sucker for pretty colors (see also: my literal drawer of purple eyeshadow, a shade I actually hate on myself) but I just do not at all understand what the deal is with this formula and I won't be trying any more, prettiness be damned.

    I'm so relieved sometimes that I don't collect nail polish, and now is one of those times.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, I'm surprised you found the Amuse Bouches drying. Despite all my complaints about Lavender Jam, one thing I can say for it is that it's comfortable and hydrating. There's no accounting for individual lip chemistry, I suppose! I understand your holding on to them, too: I still haven't brought myself to destash NARS Angela even though it dries the hell out of my lips. That color is just so pretty and I haven't found anything like it.

      Nail polish has brought me a lot of pleasure over the seven (!) years I've been wearing it, but I've amassed way more bottles than I'll ever be able to finish. I have about 100 bottles, as opposed to just 45-50 lipsticks. How did that happen??

      Delete
  5. I used to be quite skilled at extreme couponing so I ended up with a lot of garbage end of each year. Now I buy stuff I make sure I like (either it's shade I wear a lot or the packaging gives me joy) so I only have a few I thought wasn't terrible but I don't bother to wear more than once...I hated a lush shampoo but it's more of a ymmv thing I suppose?

    Anyway, now I know Bite is slippery I guess you saved me from a swatching trip...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally get the allure of extreme couponing! I always used to put my CVS extrabucks toward makeup, but these days I'm using them for things I actually need. It's more boring, but oh well. Better than ending up with random crap I won't wear.

      For what it's worth, I seem to be in the minority in not liking Bite's Amuse Bouche formula. I have Lavender Jam and the mini Radish and they both transfer like crazy, but some people don't seem to have that problem. I think Bite is still worth a swatch!

      Delete
  6. Count me in as a fan of disappointing products posts! I've loved all the roundups of the worst products of 2016 I've been reading/watching. They're really helpful.

    I think your Rain must have been bad, sadly - I got it and a Super Shock eyeshadow at the same time and I didn't notice a textural difference. I will say I never reach for my Rain, though. I'm just not a cream blush person! The colour is great and the price was right to test drive that type of colour, but I should have known that I wouldn't use it often. (So much of overindulging for me involves buying things despite KNOWING that they aren't my preference, but convincing myself that they will be the exception.)

    I'm definitely on the same page as you with NYX. They get an unbelievable amount of hype. My chain got them in about a year ago but my specific store doesn't have them, and literally every day I have at least one customer ask if we have them. I've never experienced that with another brand before. I've never liked a lip product I've tried from them (I've tried the SMLCs, Liquid Suedes, and the round-tube lipsticks), the Milk pencil does not stay put on my eyelids, the much-hyped Taupe blush was way too dark and hard to blend... I think the only thing I've tried from them that I've really liked is the blue eyeliner I got about a month back. I just looked through my entire blog archives for NYX and I can't find a positive mention of anything else from them, lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I had a feeling there might be something wrong with my Rain, since most reviews describe the blushes as soft. That's good to hear about CP's blush formula, though, since they have a lot of pretty colors. I'm fine with cream blushes so long as they're not insanely pigmented--I never wore my Face Stockholm cream blush because it was so hard not to end up with clown cheeks.

      I do like the Liquid Suedes, and Alabama is a great matte lipstick, but nothing else I've tried from NYX has blown me away. NYX does a great job of keeping up with trends and offering a ginormous range of products, so I understand the allure for people who are just getting into makeup and don't yet know what will suit them. But people like us should know better...AND YET.

      Delete
  7. Love these kind of posts! LA Splash liquid lipsticks were my biggest disappointment of the year. I was really excited to find a UK stockist and made the mistake of ordering 2 at once (Nagini and Bellatrix, yes my choices were based partly on name). I love both shades but the formula stinks. I've only tried a few liquid lipsticks but I can't imagine any being worse than these.

    They literally stink too - they smell like paint!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wasn't LA Splash the company that released a whole Harry Potter collection and then had to change some of the names for fear of a lawsuit? It continues to surprise me that liquid lipsticks are so popular, because whether or not they work well depends so much on individual body chemistry. I don't think I've ever come across a liquid lipstick formula that didn't have almost as many negative as positive reviews, except maybe the Sephora Cream Lip Stains.

      Delete
  8. I like your honesty! And I'm glad the Mega Greens worked out for you! Sadly, it turned my skin into a red, itchy mess.

    God, Glossier... I have a lot of feelings about Glossier. I am staying the hell away from their new moisturizer- just looking at it might break me out. The cleanser is really working for me though and I do love the Skin Tint.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Mega Greens was certainly an intense mask. It seems like it would be terrible for sensitive skin, despite Glossier's questionable claims that all their products work for every skin type.

      That new moisturizer seems like a trainwreck. I love Boy Brow, though, and I don't mind the Generation G lipsticks.

      Delete
  9. This post is so terribly satisfying! I'm sad that the Amuse Bouche and Audacious lipsticks don't work for you, but c'est la vie I guess.

    My top beauty dislikes of 2016 were everything Jeffree Star said/did and all the things I bought because of the name/packaging -__- At least I only indulge this habit with dirt-cheap products, but still... I hate ending up with things I don't use because I struggle to throw anything away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jeffree Star is in a whole different category! It does seem like his brand is becoming less popular as people find out about the shitty things he's done, though.

      It's hard for me to throw things away, too. I hate the thought of "wasting" anything, even though I know there's no real difference between an unused lipstick on my shelf or in the trash. The process of destashing reminds me how much waste I create by impulse-buying cheap stuff, but it's harder to remember that in the moment!

      Delete